I found myself trying to see if my camera’s facial recognition technology would think my nipples, belly button and flab line was a face. It was a rare moment of boredom from the last week or so.
I did a bungy jump on Friday the 13th. It’s a jump off a bridge that connects the two sides of Victoria Falls and the third highest in the world at 111 metres. The bungyman was fitting all the attachments to my legs and I was grumbling various profanities in an attempt to calm my nerves. This made him slightly pissed off. He told me that ‘this is a Christian bridge’. At that precise moment he was the most important person in my life and I managed to anger him. I thought about this as he gave the countdown. Thankfully, he spared my life. As I fell, I made a noise that I’d never heard before. It was an involuntary sound that was somewhere in between a wailing baby and a heavy session on the toilet. During the freefall, every single cell in my body was tensed. As soon as I felt that glorious tension at my feet I was absolutely saturated in adrenaline. There’s nothin’ like hurling yourself off a bridge in Africa.
I went rhino trekking in Matapos National Park the other day. Our guide for the day, Ian, was awarded the second best safari guide in Southern Africa and he was fantastic. We set off in the open top jeep and entered the park. We’d be driving down the sandy track when Ian would slam on the brakes and jump out to inspect footprints. We were tracking Gumboots. Gumboots is a 47 year old, 2 and a half tonne, male rhinoceros. When we looked at the road we saw sand and twigs, when Ian looked he saw CCTV footage of what was there and what it was doing. Ian spotted Gumboots’ distinctive print. It was fresh. We hopped out and began walking. Gumboots was there, about 100 yards away from us and he was absolutely ginormassive. I thought we were going to stay at a very respectable distance but Ian kept walking closer and closer. We had to crouch and whisper. The closest we got to Gumboots was a ridiculous 15 or so yards. I scanned the area for the nearest climbable tree as the threat of a charge was very real. We stayed with him for about 20 minutes and left because he became slightly edgy and twitchy. We backed away and headed back towards the jeep. We had been walking for literally about two minutes before we were greeted by ‘The Terrible Twins’. These are two 6 year old rhinos that would labeled as ‘A pair of messers’ in Ireland. Ian was saying that a six year rhino is very similar to an eighteen year old human in terms of attitude. Nothing ever messed around with Gumboots because he was an established alpha male so he was relatively calm and assured. The Terrible Twins however were not so friendly. We stopped and crouched at Ian’s instructions. They were very on edge. There’s a huge problem with poachers in Matopos where 25 of them are arrested/killed every month. They have a shoot on site policy. This January, there were 6 rhino killed and incidently a few poachers shot. One kilo of rhino horn is worth 50,000 USD and the average horn would weigh 10 to 12 kilos. The Asians believe that it’s a powerful aphrodisiac. Ian reckoned that there will be no Zimbabwean rhino in 5 years time. Anyway, The Terrible Twins got a bit too close. One of them stared and then, with surprising agility, jumped backwards and trotted a few yards. That was a hair raising few seconds. It was 50:50 between charging and backing away. Heads or tails. That was the most exhilerating thing I’ve ever done. I was genuinely blown away by it and I was on a high for days afterwards.
My anti-malarials are giving me some very vivid dreams. The devil has tried to barter for my soul, I had a stand-off with a German sniper circa 1944, I was told that Chelsea beat United whilst skiing in the Alps and The Lads have bought an overland truck of our own to explore the world in.
Actually, lads, get on to that last one for real life. That’d be good craic.
I lived on Lake Kariba for 2 days. We were in this impressive houseboat and we had it all to ourselves. We brought an unholy amount of alcohol and had an almighty session on the first night. Previously, we had all bought shirts for each other in a secret santa style. The rule was ‘The uglier the better’. It was so easy to find them in the markets and there were some absolute gems. We wore them for the first night and we played some great drinking games. I woke up the next morning and looked outside and saw hippos and a crocodile. The lake was infested with them but we were still allowed to jump off. Captain Anderson parked up in the middle of the lake and we were diving off the three storey boat. I still have all my limbs. We were then told that there were a few man eating crocs who follow fishing boats in search of a free meal. There was a man who lost an arm whilst cleaning the rudder of his boat recently. And there I was doing cannonballs..
On our first day in Zimbabwe we stayed in a camp with a lotta baboons and vervet monkeys. I climbed a tree and left this handcrafted zebra in it. 10 minutes later, the monkeys were going mental. They’d spotted the zebra and were very scared and perplexed about it. I watched them scream and panic but then I had to take it down because headaches were beginning to develop. That night the Zimbabwean national football team had a party on the campsite because they beat Malawi earlier on. At about 3 in the morning I awoke to find that the tent had become colonised by ants. They were everywhere and we spent the guts of an hour co-ordinating an insect genocide. More headaches were developed.
I have done a lot of walks in my life. To school, to Centra, to the bus stop, to Cian’s gaff, to the kitchen and so on. I walked with two lions a few days ago. They’re called Mara and Mika. ALERT is a programme which takes captive lions and through several stages and generations it eventually delivers wild lions back into Africa. The lion walk involves the handlers taking them out for stroll to experience all the sights and smells and we paid to come with. We were given sticks to carry and use if the lions got ‘cheeky’. We were told that the lion would come out of the enclosure and approach us, it would then select one of us and come to brush up against our legs as a greeting. We were instructed to show a respectable resistance and stay strong if this happened. I was chosen. I was standing on a slope with my legs together. I’ve done Leaving Cert Physics but I still managed to orientate myself in this unstable stance. Mika gave me generous brush and I had to shuffle a leg backwards to keep me upright. Mara kept her distance because she was worringly new to the process. We walked through the savanna accompanied by the sunset and a pair of lions. We arrived back at the enclosure and they happily went in for a snooze.
I played with two lion cubs on Tuesday. One of them was born around the time I arrived in Africa. They are undoubtedly the most adorable organisms on the planet. We teased them with bits of ribbon, let them chew on someones shoe, stroked them and took inumerable photos. There was a woman there telling us various facts and figures about them but I was too absorbed in the whole experience to hear a word of what she was talking about.
I saw 9 fully grown male lions feed on a chopped up cow carcass. The most dominant males took the best cuts. One lion, that was right beside the fence, had the stomach. We were watching him chomping on guts when he bit the stomach open. We then realized that it was a uterus, not a stomach, because a large cow foetus slid out. The lion was delighted and the others were jealous. We then witnessed a robbery. A superior charged over and stole the juicy baba. In doing so he managed to splash us with the pungent uterus juice. Mmmmmm. The guy who owns the place and co-ordinates the breeding programme had his arm ripped off by a lion 5 years ago. The ‘Lion Manager’ has a seriously wonky knee after a similar attack. Think I might go back there and do vet stuff, however I appreciate my limbs.
The lions served as my alarm clock for 3 mornings. They’d roar from about 5 to 7 o clock every morning. It beats anything on a Nokia anyway.
There’s a guy called Zaid who keeps snakes that he finds. I paid five dollars for a tour of his reptile room. Anybody who knows me well would know that I’m a whore when it comes to serpents. I’d pay a serious amount of money to speak parsel-tongue. The first thing I noticed was a pair of goggles beside a cage. I asked what was in there and he told me that it was a Mozambique Spitting Cobra. He also has an Egyptian Banded Cobra and he has ordered in a Bloomslang. When he told me that there was no antivenom in Zimbabwe I realised that he was a proper maniac. He had several other harmless snakes that were beautiful but keeping snakes that would definately kill you if it got a bite in on you is nonsensical to me.
Before we left Matapos, Ian stopped the jeep to tell us about a plant called ‘Bushman’s Tea’. He said that if you crushed the leaves, made a tea with it and drank it that all your senses would be noticeably heightened. After assuring us that it was very safe and whatnot he jumped out and cracked off a huge branch of it for us. There was a big Bob Marley party here last night and we made the tea. Mom, Dad, I did drugs. It was good craic. We listened to ‘Buffalo Soldiers’ and felt alert for the night.
The town that I’m in right now has an elephant problem. They come in and destroy trees and fences. We saw fresh dung today on the road right outside the camp. I never thought that I’d be so excited over a pile of shit.
I got myself a 100 billion Zimbabwean dollar note. Somebody should tell Bruno Mars.
A load of South African lads just came into this bar to watch the rugby and they were shouting in Africaans. One of them started telling us what they’d been saying and they’ve been spewing racial abuse at one of the staff. The staff don’t know because they don’t speak the language but it’s left us feeling horrified. Our tour leader has told that from now on the discrimination will get worse, especially in the German colony of Swakopmund in Namibia. I’m just so grateful that myself and the people in my life haven’t been indoctrinated with this sort of attitude.
I’m heading into Botswana tomorrow and then into the Namib Desert. This trip is going far too fast.
P.S. My camera didn’t think my torso was a face...
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